The Beggar of Legalville

Duet scene on grace and blessing

Reader 1: Once upon a time, in a town called Legalville,

Reader 2: Legalville?

Reader 1: Never heard of Legalville?

Reader 2: Nope.

Reader 1: It’s near Religion City.

Reader 2: I’m still clueless.

Reader 1: It’s really not all that important. Now where were we?

Reader 2: We were reading a story about an old crusty man who lived in Attorneyland.

Reader 1: That’s Legalville.

Reader 2: Whatever.

Reader 1: Once upon a time, there was a man in Legalville. He was a beggar who collected cans and reusable bottles. He collected them in an old grocery cart that needed a serious wheel alignment.

Reader 2: I think I used that cart last week.

Reader 1: But the story isn’t about you.

Reader 2: I hope not.

Reader 1: People would see him and shake their heads. There’s old Jed, the can man, they’d say in a pitiful tone. They would pity his existence, but they would just leave him alone, out in the sun.

Reader 2: Doesn’t exactly sound fun.

Reader 1: It wasn’t. Jed didn’t know the world was any larger than Legalville, U.S.A., until something incredible happened.

Reader 2: Good. I hate sad stories.

Reader 1: An attorney visited his cardboard refrigerator box shack with good news.

Reader 2: Good news?

Reader 1: The best news he could hear.

Reader 2: OK?

Reader 1: Take a swing at it. What is the best news old Jed could receive?

Reader 2: That’s easy. Jed, your troubles are over! Your long lost uncle, that you never met, died last week. He left $2 million to your father. Since he passed away last year, that means the money is yours.

Reader 1: How’d you guess?

Reader 2: It’s my line. (shows his script to #1) See?

Reader 1: Right. Anyway, Jed went nuts.

Reader 2: Two million dollars, and I didn’t even have to poll the audience or phone a friend! $2 million! That’s great! I’m rich!

Reader 1: The attorney alerted the media, who immediately went to the alley where Jed lived, between First National Bank and Trust and Renaldo’s Bar and Grill.

Reader 2: The mob of cameramen and news- people knocked down the cardboard refrigerator box door,

Reader 1: exposing his sleeping bag, charcoal grill, and 13 pairs of mismatched socks.

Reader 2: Wow! This is the best day of my life! I feel like a new man,

Reader 1: Jed said as he wiped a tear from his eye, with a used paper napkin from the dumpster at the downtown McDonald’s.

Reader 2: Accountants and Wall Street investors rushed to his side to serve him.

Reader 1: Ladies suddenly found him very attractive.

Reader 2: Legalville proclaimed the day “Jed Day.” The whole town said, Jed! Move away from there!

Reader 1: (to #2) I saw that one coming a mile off.

Reader 2: I couldn’t resist.

Reader 1: The reporters called out, You just won $2 million! What are you gonna do next?

Reader 2: Just you wait,

Reader 1: Jed said, with a three-tooth grin that stretched from ear to ear. The reporters continued, You can go to Disneyland. You can eat steak! You can get dentures and (waving off the smell with his hand) deodorant.”

Reader 2: I’ve already got the whole thing planned. Do you know how long I’ve lived in this cardboard shack? Fifteen long years. Do you know how much generic dog food I’ve eaten?

Reader 1: We don’t even want to imagine, Jed.

Reader 2: This is my plan. I’m going to buy new cardboard and rebuild this old place. I’m going to eat canned brand-name dog food and Spam. Do you know how long it’s been since I had fried Spam for breakfast?

Reader 1: You can’t be serious!

Reader 2: I know. I don’t want to spend it all in one place, but I’m going for broke. I’m movin’ up in this world. I’m getting plastic plates instead of paper plates. I’m going to the grocery store, turn in that old cart, and buy the best one they have. I know they don’t usually sell them, but if I wave a few hundred thousand in front of them, they’ll probably give me a couple of those huge, family-sized ones. Do you know how many recyclable cans I could cart around in those babies?

Reader 1: Jed

Reader 2: He was a millionaire who didn’t understand.

Reader 1: He just didn’t get it.

Reader 2: He couldn’t look beyond his slum life into his new life.

Reader 1: In the following days, he was swindled out of every dollar he inherited.

Reader 2: There may be millionaire-beggars in this church,

Reader 1: content with their spiritual condition in a guilt-ridden cardboard shack on a rundown alley in Legalville.

Reader 2: We have been given a rich inheritance:

Reader 1: unfathomable spiritual blessings.

Reader 2: We are eternally royal.

Reader 1: We are not the nephew of a millionaire,

Reader 2: we are sons and daughters of the King of it all.

Reader 1: Yet the spirit of Jed is still hanging around, plodding through life, pushing a squeaky grocery cart.

Reader 2: Give “thanks to the Father, who has qualified you to share in the inheritance of the saints in the kingdom of light.”

Reader 1: You have been qualified for the inheritance of God.

Reader 2: “For he has rescued us from the dominion of darkness and brought us into the kingdom of the Son he loves.”

Reader 1: So, grace recipients, let’s crawl out of our cardboard boxes of spiritual poverty.

Reader 2: Leave the dog food of the world on the shelf.

Both: We have been given eternal wealth and a chance to dine with Almighty God.

Based on Colossians 1:12-13

Wordspring Creative by Matt Tullos is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial 3.0 Unported License.
Permissions beyond the scope of this license may be available at http://www.tullos.org.

Jonah and the Worm

 

He:(Your church name) church presents Jonah and the worm.

She: Jonah and the worm? You mean whale.

He: No Worm.

She: Worm? Why not whale?

He: We’ve got to think outside the box here. Plus if you want to understand the culture, you’ve got to dig deep and you’re bound to run into a worm or two.

She: Cute.

He: Seriously-anybody can do the story of Jonah and the Whale. It takes real chutzpah to dramatize the story of Jonah and the Worm. Plus I think you’d probably prefer me being a worm than you being a whale.

She: You’ve got a point there.

He: We all remember the story of Jonah

She/Voice of God: Jonah, I need you to take a trip.

“He” as Jonah: A trip! I love trips! Hopping on a camel into the wild, blue yonder! Sleeping under the stars! Climbing mountains! Cruising on sail boats! I’m on my way, Lord.

She/Voice of God: I need you to go to Nineveh!

He as Jonah: Anywhere but Ninevah!

She: Jonah whined, and went in the opposite direction.

He: Then you have the little side-note about the storm sent by God, being thrown over the side of the boat, the storm calming and being swallowed by a great fish, praying in the fish for three days and nights. Just your basic exposition needed for the real miracle of Jonah. Thus Jonah and the worm.

She: You’re serious.

He: Just my take on the whole story….

She: After that Jonah cried

He: Repent!!!

She: And the whole town of Ninevah repented. Jonah the whining prophet proclaimed:

He: (Said in a very melodramatic whiney voice) “LORD, was not this what I said when I was still in my country? Therefore I fled previously to Tarshish; for I know that You are a gracious and merciful God, slow to anger and abundant in lovingkindness, One who relents from doing harm. Therefore now, O LORD, please take my life from me, for it is better for me to die than to live!”

She: God asked, “Is it right for you to be angry?”

He: So Jonah went out of the city and sat on the east side of the city.

She: There he made himself a shelter and sat under it in the shade, till he might see what would become of the city.

He: And the LORD God grew a plant and made it come up over Jonah, that it might be shade for his head to deliver him from his misery. So Jonah was very grateful for the plant.

She: But as morning dawned the next day God prepared a worm.

He: God prepared a worm

She: God prepared a worm

He: To chew up the plant.

She: A Huge shade-giving plant.

He: Large enough to shade a man.

She: And God prepared a worm.

He: Not 500 worms

She: Not 10 worms

He: Not 2 worms.

She: God prepared a singular

He: Solitary worm.

She: One worm.

He: Big plant.

She: One

He: Small

She: Insignificant

He: Ordinary

Both: Worm

He: Big plant.

She: Can you hear God speak to the worm.

He: (looking into his palm, whispering as if to a tiny pet) Go get it. Eat that plant up.

She: The worm looks up.

He: Waaaay up.

He: And the worm begins to chew.

Both: And the big plant fell.

He: The big plant fell and the worm achieved a God-Sized task.

She: It was worm food super-sized.

He: I can’t believe I ate the whole thing!

She: You ate it, Worm.

He: (break character) Watch it, partner (or name of “She”).

She: Ity-bity worm

He: Big shade plant.

She: Beloved disciple,

He: What is the plant that stands before you today?

She: A rebel child?

He: A dying church?

She: A transitional community?

He: A helpless victim?

She: An aetheist neighbor.

He: A discouraged leader?

She: A fear?

He: A need?

She: A pain?

He: God prepared a worm.

She: And God will prepare us as we go.

He: Ity-bity Us

She: Huge World.

Both: Not in here. Out There!

He: This is GOD’s Message,

She: the God who made earth,

He: made it livable and lasting,

She: known everywhere as GOD

He: “Call to me and I will answer you.

She: I’ll tell you marvelous and wondrous things

He: that you could never figure out on your own.’

She: Therefore

He: Ity-Bity as we are

Both: Go! Out there!

©  Matt Tullos

An Anniversary to Remember

 

He: Well so much for the anniversary date.

She: It was a good idea.

He: Thanks. Sorry some things got kind of—

She: Don’t mention it.

He: Really? You’re not mad?

She: Me? Nah.

He: Somehow I knew this was going to be one of those nights when I backed out of the garage without opening the garage door. I guess I was just keyed up. I just wanted everything to be right. We haven’t had a nice, romantic evening in a long time.

She: It’s too bad the garage door shattered the rear window of the car when it fell off the hinges but, on the other hand, the night air gave it the feel of a convertible. I liked it.

He: Thanks, Honey. How are your legs?

She: I think they’re getting better. I’m beginning to regain feeling in the right one.

He: I had no idea that manhole was uncovered when I opened the door to let you out. It was “Now I see you, now I don’t!”

She: I can’t believe the city worker thought that I was intentionally attacking him when I fell on his head in the manhole.

He: I think it must have been the scream. It had a kind of martial-arts sound to it. I tried to explain the situation to the officer, but he took one look at the car and just said, “Sure, Buddy.”

She: At least we got to spend our anniversary together—even if it was in jail. It was nice of your boss to bail us out. How did he know?

He: He said he saw us on the news.

She: We were on the news?

He: At 11:00 p.m. I had Mom tape it. They thought we were a part of the gang that has been threatening to bomb city hall. It was nice of my boss to pick us up. I hope he wasn’t upset about the bad publicity and all.

She: Are you kidding? He wasn’t mad. Why he even gave us a card. How sweet. Not many bosses remember their employee’s wedding anniversary. Such a nice man.

He: Oh, yeah. That was nice of him. I haven’t even opened it.

(Pulls the card out and opens it.)

He: Hmm . . . I guess he was mad, after all. He fired me.

She: Look at the bright side.

He: What?

She: We have some insurance money for the part of our house that caught fire when the garage door short-circuited the wiring in the garage.

He: The neighbors said their kids really enjoyed seeing the fire trucks. I should have been here to put out the fire.

She: But Honey, you couldn’t be. We were in jail.

He: I know. I know. . .

She: But look at it this way: things could be worse.

He: They could?

She: We could be bitter toward each other.

He: Yep. We could be heading for divorce court, like the boss and his wife.

She: You could be in love with another woman. We could be so wealthy that we think more about money than we do about each other.

He: We could be lonely . . .

She: We could be lost right now, with no faith in Christ.

He: I guess you’re right . . . You’re always right.

(They kiss.)

She: That’s because I’m with you. God knew what He was doing when He put us together.

He: (down about himself) Yeah . . . sure.

She: I’m serious. Look, we can still enjoy our night.

He: But we don’t have any money. I lost my job, our car, half of our house—there’s really nothing to enjoy.

She: Sure there is. We have each other. Hey, I have something for you.

(She pulls a CD or a cassette from her purse.)

He: ”The Best of Glen Miller and the Big Band Sound!” I’ve been looking all over town for this one.

She: I know.

(She sticks it in the boom box. They sit close and hold hands, listening to “String of Pearls.”)

She: I’ve been saving this for a special occasion.

He: I think this would definitely rate as a special night.

She: I love you.

He: I love you. Happy anniversary.

She: Happy anniversary. Let’s go to bed and enjoy the stars through our new skylight.

He: Skylight?

She: The fire burned a hole through the ceiling in our bedroom. I’ve always wanted one of those.

He: You have? Well, tomorrow, Sweetheart, I’m going to get a window kit at the hardware store and install a skylight permanently.

She: But we’ve got to plead not guilty at our arraignment for the terrorism charge.

He: Oh yeah, I forgot. (beat) Did I hear thunder?